Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
