life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
