i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
