Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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