Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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