Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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