i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
