I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
