Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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