and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
