I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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