There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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