You're earring is so big in my mouth
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
