I am puke
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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