I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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