i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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