WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sorry about my life...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
