I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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