I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
