i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
