yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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