I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
