Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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