he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
