someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
