please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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