I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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