DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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