you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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