we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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