Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
