smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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