singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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