Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
