I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't turn off my feet"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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