You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
