The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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