Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
