remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
