The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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