I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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