did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize