I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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