they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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