remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Found the puke drawer
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
