I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
