I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
