that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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