Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
