Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
