Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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