Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
this is an emotional support booty call
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
