I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Pants are for mortals
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
