what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
