i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
