You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
