someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How does one acquire holy water?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize