Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
