Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
